Helping A Grieving Child
Ways to help a child deal with grief after a loved one dies
-
Allow expression of all feelings
-
Understand the child's losses and factors that inhibit grieving (below)
-
Recognize that lectures are not helpful
-
Adult/caregiver should meet the child's needs for affection and security; assure him that he is loved
-
Set boundaries
-
Listen
-
Be patient in your helping and be accepting of differences in grieving
-
Try not to attempt to "fix" everything.
-
Allow attendance and if possible, participation in rituals of death
-
Allow children to engage in play. Encourage them to draw and to tell stories. Read stories to young children that deal with death and loss.
-
Work with the child's teacher and school counselors to help the child in the school environment with their schoolwork and peer situations relating to the death
-
Adults and caregivers need to grieve in front of children. Explain also tears, fatigue, irritability, etc.
-
Allow opportunities for remembering, memorializing
-
Praise children for their courage to grieve and promote a sense of hope
-
Seek help from outside sources-support groups, community resources (church or synagogue), caring friends, family, and counseling, if warranted
Understanding Children Who Grieve
With the death of a loved one, children experience the following losses:
1) Loss of the physical presence of the deceased
Children struggle to adjust to a life without the physical presence of the deceased in their lives
2) Loss of self
-
Identity: the child has to rethink his/her role as a child or sibling in the family
-
Self confidence: children often feel shame, embarrassment as being different from other children and may have a lessened sense of self esteem
-
Health: many children experience the physical symptoms of mourning
-
Tiredness, lack of energy
-
Difficulty in sleeping, or prolonged sleeping
-
Lack of appetite, or excessive appetite
-
Tightness in throat
-
Shortness of breath
-
General nervousness
-
Headaches
-
Stomach pain
-
Loss of muscular strength
-
Skin rashes
-
Personality: the child "just doesn't feel like his/her old self"
3) Loss of safety and security
-
Goals and dreams: the dreams for the future can be shattered and goals can seem to be unreachable without the support or presence of the person who died
-
Faith: children often question their faith following a death
-
Will/desire to live: children may search for meaning in living -- "Why go on?"
-
Joy: many children lose the sense of joy in their lives -- happiness seems elusive.
"Children teach us more about their grief through their behavior than their words"
- Alan Wolfelt, PhD
Factors that inhibit childhood mourning:
-
Parent/guardian in child's life is unable or unwilling to mourn
-
Conflicted relationship with the deceased
-
Child's desire to protect the adult(s) in his life
-
Family rules related to expressing grief … i.e. not talking about the deceased, or death in general, or about feelings
-
Lack of feelings is reinforced
-
Lack of understanding about the nature of death- for example, referring to the deceased as being "gone" or "sleeping" leaving the child not understanding that death is the cessation of life and that it is not temporary
-
No participation in the rituals of death (funeral, visitations, memorial services, burial)
-
Bereavement overload
-
Forced (by self or others) of "hypermaturity"
-
Intentional "busyness" to inhibit time to grieve
-
People in child's life who minimize the child's right to mourn, -- "you shouldn't feel that way" or "don't cry"
If you would like more information about understanding the grief needs of children, click here to view/print the article "Children's Understanding of Death."
Activities to Do At Home
Printable documents listing activities you can do at home, by age-group:
Click here for Children's Activities
Click here for Pre-Teen Activities
Click here for Teen Activities