Who Knows A
Grieving Child
Understanding Children Who Grieve
Losses children experience following the death of a loved
one include:
1) Loss of the physical presence of the deceased: children
struggle to adjust to a life without the physical presence of
the deceased in their lives
2) Loss of self:
-
Identity: the child has to rethink his/her role
as a child or sibling in the family
-
Self confidence: children often feel shame,
embarrassment as being different from other children and may
have a lessened sense of self esteem
-
Health: many children experience the physical
symptoms of mourning
-
Tiredness, lack of energy
-
Difficulty in sleeping, or prolonged sleeping
-
Lack of appetite, or excessive appetite
-
Tightness in throat
-
Shortness of breath
-
General nervousness
-
Headaches
-
Stomach pain
-
Loss of muscular strength
-
Skin rashes
-
Personality: the child "just doesn't feel
like his/her old self"
3) Loss of safety and security:
-
·Goals and dreams: the dreams for the
future can be shattered and goals can seem to be unreachable
without the support or presence of the person who died
-
Faith: children often question their faith following
a death
-
Will/desire to live: children may search for
meaning in living -- "Why go on?"
-
Joy: many children lose the sense of joy in
their lives -- happiness seems elusive.
"Children teach us more about their grief through their behavior
than their words"- Alan Wolfelt, PhD
Factors that inhibit childhood mourning:
-
Parent/guardian in child's life is unable or
unwilling to mourn
-
Conflicted relationship with the deceased
-
Child's desire to protect the adult(s) in his
life
-
Family rules related to expressing grief …
i.e. not talking about the deceased, or death in general, or
about feelings
-
Lack of feelings is reinforced
-
Lack of understanding about the nature of death-
for example, referring to the deceased as being "gone"
or "sleeping" leaving the child not understanding
that death is the cessation of life and that it is not temporary
-
No participation in the rituals of death (funeral,
visitations, memorial services, burial)
-
Bereavement overload
-
Forced (by self or others) of "hypermaturity"
-
Intentional "busyness" to inhibit
time to grieve
-
People in child's life who minimize the child's
right to mourn, -- "you shouldn't feel that way" or
"don't cry"
Ways to help a child grieve:
-
·Allow expression of all feelings
-
Understanding the child's losses and factors
that inhibit grieving (above)
-
Recognize that lectures are not helpful
-
Adult/caregiver should meet the child's needs
for affection and security; assure him that he is loved
-
Set boundaries
-
Listen
-
Be patient in your helping and be accepting
of differences in grieving
-
Try not to attempt to "fix" everything.
-
Allow attendance and if possible, participation
in rituals of death
-
Allow children to engage in play. Encourage
them to draw and to tell stories. Read stories to young children
that deal with death and loss.
-
Work with the child's teacher and school counselors
to help the child in the school environment with their schoolwork
and peer situations relating to the death
-
Adults and caregivers need to grieve in front
of children. Explain also tears, fatigue, irritability etc
-
Allow opportunities for remembering, memorializing
-
Praise children for their courage to grieve
and promote a sense of hope
-
Seek help from outside sources-support groups,
community resources (church or synagogue), caring friends, family,
and counseling, if warranted.
Some of the information provided in this article was obtained
from a seminar conducted by Dr. Alan Wolfelt on 1/17/01. Other
information compiled in this article was obtained through the
observations of grieving families who have the courage to grieve
at The WARM Place.
If you would like more information about understanding the
grief needs of children, click
here to view/print the article "Children's Understanding
of Death."
Activities to Do At Home
Printable documents listing activities you can do at home, by
age-group:
Click here
for Children's Activities
Click here
for Pre-Teen Activities
Click here for
Teen Activities
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